I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
