Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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