Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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