Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
