Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
