Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
