apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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