i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
