she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
