what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
