Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
