on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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