Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
two words...techno handjob
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
