AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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