Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sarcasm needs its own font
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
