last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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