I haven't been this sober since birth.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
