She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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