cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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