Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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