I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
