gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
