I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
