I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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