I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
