my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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