So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
and you fell through a lawn chair
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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