I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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