haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
