So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
