i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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