come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
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