I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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