I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you would pick up someone in the library
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
