Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
