Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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