Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
