No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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