Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
