My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
time to smoke my breakfast
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
