I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
