Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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