She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
