watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
