Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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