Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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