i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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