my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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