in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I smell like Dick and happiness
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