he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
