So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
