If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He did a backflip because drugs
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