This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
