You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if i can run in heels then i can drive
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
